Release

Pretty balloons, huh? I thought so. I look at balloons quite differently since this past Tuesday night. I joined a group at the church Lee and I have been attending. There were several choices, and without hesitation, I joined the one called “Total Forgiveness”. If you think back to my post, Take Your Seat, it’s easy to see that I still have some work to do in this area. I’m a long way from being over the events that unfolded near the end of last summer. If I’m being honest, I’m not totally over events that unfolded almost 8 YEARS ago! So, yes, “Total Forgiveness” was the right choice for me.  We’re reading the book, Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall, and meeting for the next few weeks. I can already tell it’s going to be quite a ride, and I’m so ready for it.

During our meeting, we were each given a balloon. We were instructed to blow into the balloon after each applicable statement. Here we go…

• Blow if you still feel anger towards this person or people who caused you pain…
• Blow if you’ve lost sleep over this person and the situation…
• Blow if you’ve ever thought about doing bodily harm to this person…
• Blow if you have wished bad things would happen to this person…

There were more statements, most of which I can’t remember. But I can say that I was starting to get a little nervous about the state of my little orange balloon that wasn’t quite so little by the end of all of this. The point of it all? What if those statements did continue with everything we had possibly been feeling and carrying around? Eventually, there’s nowhere else for it all to go. That balloon is definitely going to pop. Period.

I have two main things I need to focus on throughout this journey, but one has consumed my life and my thoughts for the past 8 months, and it has worn me down. Meanwhile, while my balloon is at its breaking point, these two people couldn’t care less about me and my feelings. It’s time for ME to deal with this, and what I found most interesting while I was reading is the notion that forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation. “It takes two to reconcile, and there must be a total willingness on both parts.” (Chapter 1, Total Forgiveness) I should have known that, considering the fact that  after a very long journey, I was able to reach a state of forgiveness for something that anyone would consider quite serious/significant, and there was no reconciliation involved. In fact, there was lots of denial. But I expected that, and I am ok with it…still. It was for me, and it felt wonderful to let it go, to completely release it.

Perhaps these other two situations are still too fresh? I don’t really know, but it was time for me to start this journey…for ME.

If Jesus can forgive crucifixion, surely we can survive and find a resolution.
Let’s keep it moving
Let’s shake free this gravity of resentment and fly high and fly high…
You’re only  human
Let’s shake free this gravity of judgment and fly high and fly high…
Let’s keep it moving
Let’s shake free this gravity of commitment and fly high on the wings of forgiveness.
(Wings of Forgiveness, India Arie)

Maybe one day, I can sing the words to the song, and actually mean:

“After everything that we’ve been through, I just want you to know that I still love you.”